After a slow decline in my health (which at first I hadn’t even perceived as such), seeing specialists, having many medical tests, suffering from fear and pain, I was suddenly diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and CFS. (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) At that time, I had never even heard of either and I feared incurable chronic illness!
Becoming even more scared and bewildered when I asked for information about both. Little the neurologist said made a lot of sense and didn’t seem to completely explain all my symptoms either. That paled into insignificance when they said both were incurable conditions that I would have to live with but meds could help! Oh, and I should start taking antidepressants and sign up for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy! This simply made was scared and stunned. When I asked why, they became shifty, wouldn’t look me in the eyes and I realised there was a suggestion there that my symptoms were largely in my head!
Devasted as I left the hospital and limping in pain, exhausted. Cramps running up and down my sides and tears running down my cheeks. I tried to make sense of it but I couldn’t. Not being clinically depressed, I actually taught CBT to people who needed it and didn’t see myself as one of them! Don’t think I’ve ever felt so lost, alone, and confused before ever in my life. Who can relate? I was put through the mill for a couple of years after. I was given different medications with various awful side effects, treated like a woman who was depressed and maybe a hypochondriac.
Things went from bad to worse. And for the longest time, I was convinced that my diagnosis was wrong… continuing to have flare after flare and they became worse and longer with more and more symptoms. I couldn’t sleep, suddenly developed all manner of allergies to all sorts of things too. My health was affecting my relationship with my fiance and my family really didn’t understand. It got to a point where I had to leave my job too.
If you have Fibro, CFS, or Long-Covid that you understand?
But at my lowest point, I just didn’t want to be here anymore. And what use was I, I’d ask myself? If couldn’t even walk my own dogs anymore and…taking a bath was even becoming something I found difficult. I longed for a blissful sleep and long lies ins on a weekend, going out to work, eating anything without bloating, having my muscles pain-free, being able to walk as far as I wanted, and being able to laugh and have fun again! I wanted my life back – to feel good again! Isn’t that what everyone with chronic pain wants?
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